We...have...THE POWER!

We love football. We love Pittsburgh sports. And we needed something to do in summer because the Pirates suck so bad. Enter Lynn Swann and his Pittsburgh Power. We saw the commercial, when the lights in Pittsburgh go out, and you see the team…and your heart skips a beat…How could you not immediately become a season ticket holder? Originally, we saw the price of $100 and assumed it was per game. Well worth it. When we realized it was for nine games and a free t shirt, we thought it was stealing. Is Lynn Swann part Native American? Our $100 was a shiny trinket, and season tickets were the island of Manhattan. Add in the 10% off until Christmas, and we couldn’t get them fast enough. Turns out that “until Christmas” means “indefinitely,” but same difference. We found five of us to take up the challenge. It was like assembling the fellowship of the ring. Five, because of the five letters in POWER, one for each of us to tattoo on our chest for game days. We would save a fortune on chest paint in the long run.

Every day, we rushed to the mailbox like Billy Madison on nudy magazine day. Like Billy Madison, we fought off alcohol induced hallucinations of a giant penguins each day, but unlike Billy Madison, the nudy magazines that were our season tickets eluded us. Until one day, after numerous unsuccessful calls to the Power demanding to speak to Lynn Swann personally, a bulging rain soaked non descript envelope arrived with 45 pieces of heaven inside, 5 tickets to each of nine games. They were all there, including tickets to games against traditional Pittsburgh rivals, like Tulsa and Spokane (states not named because the states in which these cities are located remain unknown.)

After what felt like years in a Vietnamese POW camp, the inaugural game of the Pittsburgh Power arrived. It was the most historic day in the history of Pittsburgh, sporting or otherwise. We showed up a little late because we were busy getting our drink on, but we were able to bypass the long line of people with the foresight of a small child who didn’t have tickets yet.

As we quickly read the game day program to figure out what the rules of this godforsaken game even were, the ball was kicked off, and nothing would ever be the same.

What we surmised from the game:

No one plays defense, and Philadelphia sucks. The field is very small, and Bon Jovi sucks. Banking balls off the walls is still in play, and Ron Jaworski looks like a lesbian. It ain’t over til its over with the Power, and the residents of Philadelphia can eat shit. We were playing Philadelphia. Their team name is the “Soul,” which is gay and not true, because no one from that city has one, similar to gingers. Us and 13,000 fans saw the opening kick off. Us and 200 fans saw the abrupt end to our comeback and ensuing crushing defeat.

The game was back and forth, and at the end of regulation, it didn’t look good. But we recovered an onside kick with seconds to go and tied the game on a field goal. Tied 52-52. Welcome overtime. Pick six for the Philly win. Good bye overtime. Philadelphia was a movie about gays with AIDS.

Power Stars of the game:


RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUE!

The Bus may have retired from the Steelers, but have no have fear Pittsburgh, your new power back is Duquesne’s own Joshua Rue, the second greatest running back ever. Two short touchdown runs, and a name that’s awesome to yell while drunk. I look forward to this kid being a glorified blocker until the Power reach the red zone all year.

Mike “Wallace Nate” Washington

All of the good of Mike Wallace and none of the bad of Nate Washington. All of five foot nothing with a heart as big as all outdoors. Probably had several touchdowns like most players tend to in this league. He plays wide receiver.

Terrance “Sackman” Carter

The James Harrison of the AFL. He had a sack. That’s amazing. Trust us, no one plays defense in this league.

Power Goats of the game:


Jason “What You Talking About” Willis

I coined this nickname first, and our seats are so close to the press box that I swear the announcer overheard me and stole it. Anyhow, while he had several touchdowns, like everyone else, he DROPPED the winning TD in the end zone right before we kicked the tying field goal. That is NOT what I am talking about.

Bernard “Neil O’Donnell” Morris

The Nard dog decided to wear #14 in the city of Pittsburgh as QB. Really? Really Nard Dog? Then you throw THREE interceptions, including a pick six in overtime to lose it? Who were quarterback role models growing up, Tommy Maddox and Neil O’Donnell? The other guy from Philly didn’t throw any picks. I don’t know if that’s normal or good or whatever yet in this league, but seriously, O’Donnell…er, Nard dog, keep your compsure!

Anthony Morelli

We heard that former Penn State QB Antohny Morelli was on the team. Then, he doesn’t even make our team. Sucked at PSU. Sucked in Arizona. And sucked so bad with the Power that he was cut. Now we'll have to tear up our homemade Morelli jersey's. Imagine that high school reunion.

Classmate: Weren't you the douche bag who was a dick to everyone and told us all you were gonna be a millionaire NFL quarterback because you had a scholarship to Penn State?

Morelli: Yeah.

Classmate: Didn't you suck at Penn State?

Morelli: Yeah.

Classmate: Didn't you get to the NFL, undrafted?

Morelli: Yeah.

Classmate: Didn't you suck at Arizona?

Morelli: Yeah.

Classmate: Didn't you sign with the AFL team and couldn't even be the backup quarterback?

Morelli: Yeah.

Classmate: Are you now tending bar at your own high school reunion with a tip jar out?

Morelli: Yeah.

Classmate: Couldn't you have called today off?

Morelli: (Looks sadly at the ground.) Mr. Larson wouldn't give it to me.

Classmate: You mean that freshman you used to pick on who is your boss now?

Morelli: Silence.

NEXT GAME:


IOWA BARNSTORMERS, AT HOME. BLACKOUT. (You would think that a team named after Power would not want a black out, but…eh).

We’d do a preview but we know nothing about anybody yet.